I thought about this blog yesterday, and I really missed it. A girl I used to work with messaged me yesterday and I remember her sending me a message ages ago, back when I was pregnant and used this blog regularly. She said how she loved reading it and it really made me happy, as some people think me life is interesting!
So I thought I would come back to it today, after probably around a year of not writing anything. Recently I’ve really struggled to stay calm and I constantly feel stressed out. The thing is, I have an amazing life, and I know that. I have a gorgeous flat with Jake, a beautiful son, and I got married 2 months ago, and I am only 20! I never would have expected that myself, but I am happy and I wouldn’t change a thing. However after having Auri, I struggled a lot with my mental health, something which never touched me before having a baby. I would constantly cry, have a go at Jake over nothing. I never slept, I felt like my life had been lost and the thoughts that entered my head were so dark. Post natal depression was hitting me bad. This went on for about a month/two, and honestly I didn’t know how I coped in hindsight, but here I am today. It kind of faded really, because I wouldn’t accept help. After Jake had finished his exams, I had an extra pair of hands with Auri, so it made things so much easier! I tried to take my mind off it by contacting a number of gyms to see if any would let me bring the baby, and luckily I found fitness space. At that point onwards I really felt like I had a year to work on myself, my appearance and my health. It made me happy, especially in the short term because I saw a lot of results very quickly!
Anyone that knows me knows I am not the type of girl that doesn’t want to succeed and have big goals. I took a year out of university (studying maths) to have a baby. This was already something I wasn’t 100% on, I knew at some point in my life I would want children but I am the least patient person ever so when I thought, what, a year behind? I just couldn’t take it! But none the less I am 8 months into my gap year.
So this is what this post comes down to. I struggle to be on my own every day (I say on my own because a baby can’t talk to me, and requires my attentions 99% of the time), but without actually being able to have my own thoughts or ambitions. The face I cannot focus on my goals makes me feel like a failure. This little human relies on me, and I do my best but sometimes I just lose it, because I don’t get that freedom anymore. When having a baby, a woman loses herself, as she isn’t a priority anymore. I can’t even wee in peace ffs! The days are long, and repetitive. I cry 1-2 times a day because sometimes it just gets too much. The crying, the constant need of attention. I am very lucky to be able to spend this time with my baby, however, I have lost a part of myself where I had freedom. I don’t have the ability to balance my own personal life and my own thoughts.
I went to the gym today with Auri, without Jake. Auri has to sit in his pram for health and safety reasons, but can you imagine strapping a 7 month old (who has just started to learn to crawl bearing in mind) for longer than 5 minutes when the pram is STILL? It was so impossible to do the workout, and moments like this are when I lose it and I breakdown. Its when I feel like a failure, and I did in the sense that I couldn’t focus on myself for that small amount of time.
I’m writing this blog anyway from the bottom of my heart, the deep thoughts I have in the centre of my brain. Its crazy what goes on in my head when I am so lucky. But everyone in the world needs the chance to feel themselves, grab a bath and relax, and to focus on loving you. My aim now is to wake up and do something different every day, to live my life, to see my friends and maybe get pissed like twice a month?? (any babysitters hmu)
Also, one last thing. Last night I posted a pretty deep facebook status and tbh that’s not really my kind of thing, didn’t wanna seem like that attention seeker. But I am SO glad I did. Thank you to everyone that took the time to message me, I caught up with people from school which was so nice! Don’t be afraid to seek for help x