How I feel being a Mum

I thought about this blog yesterday, and I really missed it. A girl I used to work with messaged me yesterday and I remember her sending me a message ages ago, back when I was pregnant and used this blog regularly. She said how she loved reading it and it really made me happy, as some people think me life is interesting!

So I thought I would come back to it today, after probably around a year of not writing anything. Recently I’ve really struggled to stay calm and I constantly feel stressed out. The thing is, I have an amazing life, and I know that. I have a gorgeous flat with Jake, a beautiful son, and I got married 2 months ago, and I am only 20! I never would have expected that myself, but I am happy and I wouldn’t change a thing. However after having Auri, I struggled a lot with my mental health, something which never touched me before having a baby. I would constantly cry, have a go at Jake over nothing. I never slept,  I felt like my life had been lost and the thoughts that entered my head were so dark. Post natal depression was hitting me bad. This went on for about a month/two, and honestly I didn’t know how I coped in hindsight, but here I am today. It kind of faded really, because I wouldn’t accept help. After Jake had finished his exams, I had an extra pair of hands with Auri, so it made things so much easier! I tried to take my mind off it by contacting a number of gyms to see if any would let me bring the baby, and luckily I found fitness space. At that point onwards I really felt like I had a year to work on myself, my appearance and my health. It made me happy, especially in the short term because I saw a lot of results very quickly!

Anyone that knows me knows I am not the type of girl that doesn’t want to succeed and have big goals. I took a year out of university (studying maths) to have a baby. This was already something I wasn’t 100% on, I knew at some point in my life I would want children but I am the least patient person ever so when I thought, what, a year behind? I just couldn’t take it! But none the less I am 8 months into my gap year.

So this is what this post comes down to. I struggle to be on my own every day (I say on my own because a baby can’t talk to me, and requires my attentions 99% of the time), but without actually being able to have my own thoughts or ambitions. The face I cannot focus on my goals makes me feel like a failure. This little human relies on me, and I do my best but sometimes I just lose it, because I don’t get that freedom anymore. When having a baby, a woman loses herself, as she isn’t a priority anymore. I can’t even wee in peace ffs! The days are long, and repetitive. I cry 1-2 times a day because sometimes it just gets too much. The crying, the constant need of attention. I am very lucky to be able to spend this time with my baby, however, I have lost a part of myself where I had freedom. I don’t have the ability to balance my own personal life and my own thoughts.

I went to the gym today with Auri, without Jake. Auri has to sit in his pram for health and safety reasons, but can you imagine strapping a 7 month old (who has just started to learn to crawl bearing in mind) for longer than 5 minutes when the pram is STILL? It was so impossible to do the workout, and moments like this are when I lose it and I breakdown. Its when I feel like a failure, and I did in the sense that I couldn’t focus on myself for that small amount of time.

I’m writing this blog anyway from the bottom of my heart, the deep thoughts I have in the centre of my brain. Its crazy what goes on in my head when I am so lucky. But everyone in the world needs the chance to feel themselves, grab a bath and relax, and to focus on loving you. My aim now is to wake up and do something different every day, to live my life, to see my friends and maybe get pissed like twice a month?? (any babysitters hmu)

Also, one last thing. Last night I posted a pretty deep facebook status and tbh that’s not really my kind of thing, didn’t wanna seem like that attention seeker. But I am SO glad I did. Thank you to everyone that took the time to message me, I caught up with people from school which was so nice! Don’t be afraid to seek for help x


I was working on Saturday 12th January at Curry’s, and finished my shift at 6pm, getting home around 6:20pm. All week I was preparing for the baby, although I had no hospital bag ready and was only half way through writing my birth plan! I had washed all his clothes, put up his wardrobe and ordered all the last bits and bobs ready for his arrival. At around 7:20pm, I felt like I had wet myself as constant fluid was coming out of me like a big gush! I literally froze as I though what on earth is going on? Have my waters broke? I am only 35 +6! I shouted Jake but was a little bit embarrassed to say I think my waters have broken as I was not expecting baby to arrive until 10th of February. I sat on the toilet but as soon as I stood up it happened again. This is when I thought surly I cannot have this much urine. I did not smell like urine either! I was googling everything to look for, I rang the hospital and they said to wear a pad and keep them informed. The pads were just soaked so I couldn’t wear one for longer than 2 minutes. I knew then that my waters had broken. I rang them back and we headed down to Triage at St Marys Hospital in Manchester. I was seen to after about 2.5 hours; they took my blood, swabbed and put a tube (painful) up there to check it was my waters! They said it was, so I had to stay in overnight and got moved to a ward. In the morning I was told that I would have to be induced by 7pm tonight if contractions hadn’t started. From mid-afternoon, I was experiencing pains but did not know what they were, again I was thinking ‘this can’t be contractions, I’m only 36 weeks now!’. I told the midwife, but she said they are probably cramps. At 6.30pm she examined me and said I was only 1cm dilated but I didn’t need the pill. It was painful, so I was dreading it later! All I remember after that was being sick when they gave me paracetamol, sitting on a pregnancy ball, finding it impossible to lie down. Jake was massaging my back as this was the worst pain I had. By 9.30pm Jake asked the midwife if I could have some gas and air because he could see I was in pain, although I was trying hard to focus on my breathing (after reading up on hypnobirthing) and not screaming. She was a bit hesitant and said it’s probably a bit too early, although after 15 minutes of being on the gas and air I was immediately rushed to the delivery room as they said I was 10cm and baby was ready to come out! (I could have told them that I felt like I needed a poo!) It all happened so quickly, as soon as I entered the room I pushed, and he came out straight away. Pushing was a relief, but it does feel like he is coming out of the rear hole, so I thought I was pooing myself! After he came out he was handed to me but then was taken to check his breathing, I pushed out the placenta and it was all over. Looked down and I could see my vagina again!

I was really scared of labour, but I did my research and was told it is physical but also mental when it comes to birth. Reading and practicing hypnobirthing techniques (I read a few books, but Hollie de Cruz helped a lot) made me stay a lot calmer than I thought. It really is not as bad as women make out for it to be, contractions are just like strong period cramps, something us girls are used to anyway! Our bodies are made for giving birth. I am proud to say I did it, and I am very shocked that I managed to do it without an anaesthesia such as an epidural or spinal block, and up until the last few minutes, I was able to do it purely on breathing (although the gas and air was fun!).

PS. Birth plans are a waste of time. They never go how you want, I wanted a water birth, but I couldn’t have one because he was premature, and I didn’t have time!

UPDATE! Gender, Pregnancy, Life

Its been soooo long since I have made a blog post, and to be honest I just haven’t had the time to do it! I haven’t even updated my site on the gender of the baby yet!

I’m too excited so I will just let the news out straight away; we are having a little boy! Secretly Jake and I longed for a boy from the beginning, I think its just due to the fact of being a woman myself and having a younger sister that it would be nice for a change, and also in my family its been a while since a little boy has been around. Jake wants a little son so he can grow him into a man like himself. Realistically, having a boy or a girl is a gift from god, and I would have been thankful for either, but I could not be happier. In the future I would love a little girl and to call her either Luna or Mila, I think that they are beautiful names.

We are very stuck on what to call our little boy. Jake is really keen on the name Lawrence, whereas I like Theo or Taylor. I believe that if we wait until the right time a name will come up that we both adore, and we have just over 16 weeks left anyway to decide.

Its been so amazing recently feeling him kick inside. I started to feel him kick around 18/19 weeks, but this was only briefly. Now he kicks loads (I am current 23 weeks and 5 days), especially in the morning and during the night. When I am lay down flat and relaxed he acts like a little Kung Fu panda! Whereas when I am trying to get other people feel him move he likes to stay still then haha. When having a bath, he likes to kick and I can see the water wave and move about every time he wriggles inside. Its such a blessing to have a little human growing inside of you. If you are pregnant and haven’t felt your baby kick at the same times as I have please do not worry! Every woman, baby and pregnancy is different. Mine has been pretty plain-sailing (so far), and I’ve had everything as expected really. You can start to feel your baby kick at anytime around 16-24 weeks. If you are further gone than 24 weeks, please consult your doctor or midwife just to be on the safe side, but like I said, all pregnancies are different!

At the moment I am trying to live a stress free life, however, its sort of impossible when you are expecting as you know that you need to save up and prepare for baba. Jake an I are both at uni, and I am working 3 days a week at Currys as well as just starting up tutoring for maths. Its going really well; I charge £15 p/h and I tutor one-to-one on evenings and any other spare time I have available. I have decided that I am going to start my maternity leave on the 27th of January, which is two weeks before I am due, but I am hoping that I can get off the whole of January as holiday so I can relax and get everything ready!

I have started doing a daily pregnancy yoga, which is one youtube if anyone else is interested. 10 minutes a day, you just do easy guided movements to help you prepare for labour and relax the mind. I highly recommend doing it if you are pregnant, especially in the mornings if you can because it puts your mind in a healthy, positive state ready for the day. The one I do is called Pregnancy Yoga, by Tonic, and they have numbered episodes to do through each day.

Yesterday I went on a bit of a haul to mothercare, and I know its earlier but its good to spread the cost out! I bought some feeding supplies, clothes for baby and myself and other bits and bobs to help prepare. I am still yet to get a pram and other larger items, as I have seen some amazing ones that I like but they are super expensive so I need to save for a while longer!

I will try and give an update next week. Everything is going really well and positive at the moment and I am really enjoying my pregnancy.

19 weeks pregnant!

Hey guys, sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I am currently in Barcelona with Jake!

Had a lovely week and we are flying home tomorrow. Wish I tanned a bit more but the sun makes me feel dizzy and causes headaches 😦

Today I went shopping and was soooo tempted that I ended up buying some baby clothes for the first time! I don’t know when it’s ‘the right time’ to start buying for your baby, especially as I have 21 weeks left until he/she arrives. I thought as I have some money available at the moment that it would be wise to spread the cost out of buying the essentials and treat my little human to some cute things.

We have another scan next thursday, I am super excited as it is the 20 week scan so we can find out the gender, although I have wanted to know for ages now i’m a little anxious to find out! I feel like once we find out that’s it, we will know, half of me wants a surprise.

I’ve also felt some weird movements in my stomach. I’m not sure if it’s the baby as I don’t really know what to expect, they felt like waves and bubbles popping. If anyone else has felt these please could you let me know? I can’t wait to feel them move around properly!

My bump is showing a little bit more now, I’m at the stage where people will ask ‘is she pregnant or just ate too much food?’. It’s all hardened especially around the abdominals. I have quite an uncomfortable pain when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I’m just hungry.

Anyway right now I am just on the bus back to the hotel so thought I would do a quick update on my feelings recently.

feelings at the moment

More of a journal entry, but I just thought I would share about my life currently. A couple of days ago I felt on top of the world; I was super happy as I felt so grateful for everything I have, such as Jake, the baby, the flat etc. I had started tutoring maths one to one which was earning me a bit of extra cash but also will really benefit my CV when it comes to finishing my maths degree and finding a job. I also loved my retail job and was dead excited for my holiday next week to Spain with Jake. I knew I had jinxed this when I wrote a status about how happy I was because these past two days have been so stressful and painful.

I have been working the past two days and I usually love my job, however I have had to deal with some incredibly rude customers and its stressing me out big time! All this ‘the customer is always right’ is bollocks, I work in a discount store so you can imagine people wanting more discount or not happy with the price or arguing with other customers about who saw it first. Also being stood on my feet for 7 and a half hours AND having to walk to and from work each day which totals an hour just DRAINS me and I feel knackered by the time I get home. Also, Jake and I have recently been struggling financially (only really over the past couple of weeks) and I’m worried that we won’t be able to give the baby the best and finically support it. My other blog posts are very positive and I know it will be okay in the future as we will receive support, but at the moment due to how the current situation is its hard to be so optimistic!

I am extremely grateful, however, for everything I have achieved this week and for having a baby growing inside. I am currently 17 weeks and 3 days. My belly is getting a little bit hard and I am dying to feel him/her move and wriggle about inside! Hopefully soon as they say that it can be first felt from 16-20 weeks. I let things get ahead of myself a lot but I’m quite good at staying calm (I like to think anyway, once you have a baby inside of you your whole mind changes and you always put them first!), I know that everything will be okay soon!


16 weeks update!

Currently 16 (+5) weeks, and I just thought I would do an update on how I have been during this past week. This week has actually been really exciting, as suddenly I have seen a growth and have just had a little bump pop out of no where; its like it happened overnight! Also had the (not so lovely) pleasure of discharge coming from my breasts which was very weird to experience at first and still freaks me out big time, something I really need to get used to. In a more positive light at least I know my body is preparing for the pregnancy.

At 16 weeks you can actually find out the gender of your unborn baby, and its killing me inside to know! We have our next scan booked on the 27th of September and that is under the NHS, so we can find out the sex of the baby then, but privately they can tell from the 16th week. I would really really like to find out but in a couple of weeks Jake and I are going on holiday so we are putting money aside for spending money now. I am just very impatient and would love to know if there is a little boy or little girl inside. First of all I had a feeling that it would be a boy, and as rumours go, they say that you don’t get any morning sickness if its a boy! I don’t know how true this is, but I’ve been very lucky to have no morning sickness (apart from today strangely). Then after a few weeks I though that it would be a girl. So now I have no idea! I also wanted to get a little teddy bear with our baby’s heartbeat in; I think it would help sooth the baby when it is born and would be a lovely keepsake until he/she is here.

Today was a little bit painful, as I went to work but I had a headache from the minute I woke up. It was quite warm today so I don’t know if it was the baby or the heat that caused this, however after a couple of hours it turned into a migraine and I felt so faint and sick I had to come home. As soon as I walked through the door I threw up half of my lunch and went for a nap! As I am writing this now it is still there so I hope that I feel better by tomorrow as I have work again.

Hoping the 17th week of pregnancy is healthy, and then I will be enjoying the sun and pools of Spain during my 18th week. It is also pay day next week so I may have to treat the baby to something (although its early!).

uni, work, a baby?

So currently I am at university (Manchester Metropolitan) studying maths, and I have two years remaining until I finish my degree. I was NOT expecting to give birth half way through this! Originally I have (half) planned to have baby after I finished my degree. That way myself and Jake would have both came out of university at the same time, as Jake is starting his second degree this September, and we could both save up and put money aside to build a family. Also it would be a massive weight off our shoulders getting education out of the way to begin with! Finding out I was pregnant made me question my career before it had even started. Can I still do this? Is there any chance of me getting a first? How am I meant to sleep and revise and get up in the mornings?!

One of the first things I did was email my head of department to explain the situation and asked the university what they could do to help me. The following day I already had a phone call to congratulate me and also explained my options! As my baby is due is February, they said what they recommended is that I take a year out from around January time, then just carry on exactly one year later. This seemed like a very sensible option as it meant I could still return to university in September and not sit at home bored, but also work towards my degree and not waste any time before the baby is here! I am still getting my student loan to help cover costs and also universities can be very helpful when it comes to parenthood as they offer grants and other financial support that you don’t have to pay back!

Regarding work, again I am going to take out a year from January but also use my holiday up just before the baby is born so I have a longer maternity leave for when the baby is here. I am contracted to 20 hours per week, which is covered over 3 days whilst the other days I am at university. I am just going to try and work my very hardest at the moment so I can get some money for when the baby is here!

Do not get stressed if you feel like it is the wrong time that you have fell pregnant, and try to find support straight away! I do not personally know any pregnant girls in university/education however it does not mean that you cannot still complete your degree and you can still ace it! It just means taking a little bit of time off to bring up your little one, which you would be doing anyway if you worked full time at a later stage of your life. IT IS POSSIBLE.